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Find the Ex-House Degenerate Work!

by on March 12, 2010

Tickling kingpin Eric Massa is jobless, although he’s still affecting Democratic politics. How should we remember the Southern Tier’s former federal conduit as he prematurely transitions back to private life?  The answer is “As a left-wing fanatic who also turned out to be a lowlife perv,” naturally.  But we should also recall his accomplishments.

For one, he did bring plenty of attention to the area as he exited the office, although it may not quite have been the kind the Chamber of Commerce prefers.  Also, he at least didn’t spend his abbreviated term engaging in the deplorably shady legerdemain being attempted by his used-dentures-opposing former House colleague from a nearby district.

But we’ll end up remembering the bad things he did for some reason.  While it’s marvelous that he’s no longer representing Western New Yorkers in Washington, the downside is that he might return home.  If you see him and he offers a hug, politely refuse.

As for his personal goals, what will he do now for work?  Maybe I could help in the spirit of bipartisanship and compassion.  Specifically, I’ve scanned the want ads to help the former public servant find a post-congressional created and/or saved job suited to his interests and skills.  And I found one if he’s willing to make his way a little bit away from his congressional jurisdiction to Buffalo.  He might do so anyway on account of the city’s nightlife and such.

It’s naturally from Craigslist, everyone’s favorite site for finding employment listings and/or opportunities to acquire social diseases.  From his perspective, it’d be perfect, as long as he’s fine with acquiring the title “Men’s Locker Room Attendant.”

If you think slinging towels at a health club might be a step down for someone who just left the House of Representatives, you don’t follow politics in general or Massa’s career arc in particular.  And, while eight dollars per hour might not be enough to rent another townhouse, the fringe benefits for someone of his proclivities would be tremendous.  That said, they’d also be tremendously deviant, revolting, and illegal.

Come to think of it, he’d thankfully never get hired.  Of course, he wouldn’t pass a background check, especially if the potential employer has read a newspaper, watched cable news, or accessed the internet in the past few days.  The company in question will instead undoubtedly find a responsible, hard-working, non-sleazy applicant to fill the position as opposed to an utter creep.

But that won’t deter Massa from hanging out on Craigslist, as he’ll find numerous uses for the communal site.  For one, watch out for his posts in Missed Connections, especially if you’re male and notice a creepy, middle-aged man scoping you out in public.  And skip his smug, obnoxious, boring Rants and Raves based on his past video tirades. Maybe he’ll use the venue to change his story yet once more.

And, for heaven’s sake, don’t answer any housing ad he posts.   Avoid any temptation of signing up to be his roomie: it’s not worth the cost regardless of how relatively cheap rent is.  In the meantime, Western New York males have a legitimate excuse for not working out, namely that they’re concerned Massa might join the same gym.  That’s true even if he doesn’t apply for the aforementioned vocation opportunity.

No matter his respective work, housing, and physical training situations, Massa’s icky transgressions serve as the latest example of how we’re living through transitionally momentous times.  By acting in an unbelievably repulsive manner, the disgraced less-than-one-term representative inadvertently helped to frame history.  Licentious sleazes from both parties have provided an endless string of benchmarks for our lives.

We’ve seen the shameful politician sexcapade euphemism du jour shift from “Pizza in the Oval Office” to “Wide stance” to “Instant messaging the page” to “Hiking the Appalachian trail” to today’s “Tickle fight.”  Oh, the times, they are a-changin’.

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From → Campaign 2010, NY-29

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