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Loco Loko Ban

by on November 17, 2010

Is there anything more demented than consuming an icky-tasting, artificially- and vaguely fruit-flavored drink containing four alcohol and two caffeine units? Well, yes: banning the right to consume it is downright insane in an ominously annoying manner.

Infamous malt libation Four Loko may be the most disgusting Kool-Aid variation possible, and my research indicates it is a guaranteed hangover causer. But that doesn’t excuse confiscating our right to drink something gross.

Of course, complex concepts like the freedom to intake whatever the hell you want are foreign to New York’s Nanny Democrats. Their kingpin maintains his relentless desire to destroy your options. To wit, hyper-alcoholized and heavily-caffeinated Four Loko is basically illegal largely thanks to patronizing quasi-fascist Chuck Schumer.

The senator with the permanent crap-eating grin first did what he could to keep New York State residents from purchasing a product containing two legal drugs. Of course the government can take away the right to choose what you want to drink. It’s not an abortion or anything:

New Yorkers have around another month to get drunk on the “blackout in a can” Four Loko. According to the New York Daily News, “The State Liquor Authority has pressured the state’s biggest beer distributors to stop delivering Four Loko and other caffeinated alcoholic cocktails to New York retailers by Dec.10.” In addition, Phusion Projects, the makers of Four Loko, has agreed to stop shipping the drink to New York distributors after November 19th. As an extra bonus, any store caught selling Four Loko without proof it was ordered before the deadline risks heavy fines. Keep your receipts handy, store owners, before the SLA’s goon squad comes after you.

They didn’t bother themselves with anything pesky like passing a law. The only thing worse than ending sales of a product which contains the same chemicals as a rather big Labatt draft with a Starbucks chaser is doing so without voting and signing.

The interdiction is creepily frightening precisely because it’s a ban of something as simple as a party beverage. The feds think they can do as they please, and they haven’t been proved wrong yet. Simultaneously, the ban is a hassle on its own from bureaucrats who just know they need to make decisions for us.

Knowing the rest of the country looks like they will be suffering a lack of purchasing freedom along with us endlessly regulated Empire State residents is no consolation.  The good news is that Four Loko aficionados won’t have to waste gas money jaunting to Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Vermont, or similarly nearby states to purchase the unhinged fruit cocktail. The bad news is that it’s because it won’t be for sale in those places or anywhere else in America, as the FDA is wretchedly taking after New York and effectively banning the cans.

Again, why bother with the legal process? Next on their agenda will be prohibiting six-pack sales for those who have recently patronized a Tim Hortons, and no, they won’t bother to get a legislator to sponsor a bill first.

They already have a successful tactic, whereby Schumer pushes an unaccountable federal agency to infringe upon our right to consumption. He’s so good at being a senator that he doesn’t even need to pass laws to pester us.

He’ll partake in whatever scuzziness is necessary. The man with such an onerous record that he even makes us miss Al D’Amato was as manipulative as usual: he appeared at a press conference with the grandmother of a young woman who died after drinking the concoction in question after taking a diet pill earlier in the day. It was a typically shameless attempt to exploit tragedy in a most Schumerian way.

It’s disgusting to leverage the suffering of one family to promote the government taking away a simple right for everyone else. A tragic but lone exception can be used to infringe on all behavior, but only by someone cynically motivated to increase state or federal power in every capacity possible.

Of course, such galling behavior is expected from the oily senator in question. He learned it from a House counterpart, which is why we call it the Louise Slaughter Technique. I have declined their request to appear at a bicameral press conference banning coffee mugs because I burned my lip that one time.

Regardless, Schumer’s been particularly irksome since his woeful reelection. Ending sales of a skanky party drink isn’t even the most irritating prohibitive fiat endorsed by Chuck Nasty this month: he’s also after the scourge of reusable shopping bags.

Shockingly, the hippies were misguided. It turns out the amount of lead in those oh so Earth friendly containers is actually hazardous for our not-really Mother. The tremendous bacteria buildup isn’t good for humans, either.

The Earth-unfriendly grocery-holders already miss the point: um, every bag is reusable if you don’t throw it away or poke a hole in it. Regardless, the Gaia stormtroopers would like us to forget how they used to freak out that we simply had to use the PBS tote bag-style carriers.

They can’t make up their mind about how they want to destroy our options. Choose a direction, you intolerant treelickers. They love the planet as much as they hate free will.

But this state has again set an infuriating standard for intrusion. It’s especially bad for New Yorkers in New York City, where evil elf Michael Bloomberg is again attempting to cut off salt when he’s not keeping Knickerbockers from consuming trans fats while forcing hungry restaurant patrons to look at calorie counts on menu boards in a shameless attempt to destroy joy. And don’t you dare ask if you can smoke in here.

It’s a thoroughly annoying campaign, and Schumer is leading the charge. I’d like to toast everyone who voted for six more years of a self-aggrandizing camera whore and his schoolmarm-style belief that it’s his job to ban anything that could ever potentially be dangerous.  I would use a fruity malt caffeinated/alcoholed potable to toast. But you know how that goes.


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