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Pain in the Cornhole

by on June 23, 2011

It doesn’t matter whether you concur with the result: the controversy has been settled. The New York State Senate has officially passed legislation that established what they feel is the proper resolution to a polarizing issue.

No, they haven’t yet dealt with what marriage is or how high taxes will be. But New York State is one step closer to having an official vegetable, which means you can exhale. Corn won as taxpayers lost:

Corn won a huge victory Tuesday as the state Senate overwhelmingly passed making it the official state vegetable.

“It’s certainly not the most pressing issue in Albany, but it is an important issue for us. It gets one step closer to giving vegetables the props they are due,” said Peter Gregg, spokesman for the state Farm Bureau.

If they’re so great, why do they need “props,” as the gentleman calls them? People already purchase and consume them, which remains the only shout-out that counts, yo. At least maize’s foes have reacted magnanimously in defeat:

And even Sen. David Carlucci, D-Clarkstown, Rockland County, conceded defeat over his efforts to make the onion the state vegetable, voting instead for corn. He represents the Black Dirt region in Orange County where onions are grown.

“The importance of this legislation is not whether we have sweet corn or onion or any other vegetable, but it is important that we do recognize and have a state vegetable for New York,” Carlucci said on the Senate floor. “Agriculture is the leading industry in the state of New York.”

It takes a serious set of onions to make such a conciliatory statement. He’s right that it was important, except for how it’s the exact opposite of important. Agriculture somehow became a leading industry here despite there not being an official state vegetable. Farming is of the few things that works in New York, much to the delight of those in the field of working fields. Still, a governmental endorsement of the state’s official plate-filler is outrageously not official yet:

But the bill may be wilting in the Democratic-led Assembly. It is sponsored by Assembly Republicans and hasn’t moved out of the Assembly Governmental Operations Committee since April 1.

That’s not the only drama: the Senate also passed a bill which would make Herkimer Diamond the official state mineral, and we can only wonder if the Assembly will concur. It’s bad enough that the last Harry Potter movie isn’t out yet; now, we have to wait for this, too?

Unfortunately, such actions are not precisely helpful for those who are wondering if there will, say, be a cap on property taxes. Financial relief might not be feasible, as we must find a way to pay politicians who want to ensure the state is endorsing grains and crystalline substances.

Residents are also waiting to see if the state government will redefine an institution that has served humanity since civilization’s dawn. Opposing gay marriage is of course hateful, as long as your definition of “hateful” means “recognizing that a wedding’s participants are by definition from different genders.” You get accustomed to getting called homophobic for wanting to preserve matrimony as it is while wanting civil unions to be offered to our gay friends.

For now, the state teeters on the cusp of financial catastrophe while it wonders if the Senate will decide to change the definition of marriage on our behalf. But who cares? The Legislature should just keep granting imprimaturs to every object they like. There’s no reason to stop at barbeque accompaniments.

Do we have an official state driving maneuver, or preferred steak doneness? I recommend the three-point turn and black and blue, respectively. Despair is already the de facto state emotion.

Based upon their record, it’s better if our representatives waste time. The worst sort of state workers do what they can to mold anything they can to their regrettable vision. We’d be much better served if they accomplish nothing.

Hopefully, they’ll head home soon after leaving taxes no higher than they already lamentably are and marriage as it always has been. Until then, do any of them own a Wii or copy of Risk they could play just in case they run out of things to proclaim as official? Or they could just kill the hours by eating a bunch of corn. I bet they get a discount now.

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