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A Childish Response to Violence

by on September 8, 2011

Toy guns won’t hurt you. My idiot childhood friends may have tried to smack each other in the cranium region after particularly heated backyard flanking maneuvers. But the molded implements are worthless at causing pain even when used as improvised clubs. Plastic can only do so much damage.

What really causes injury is fundamentally misdiagnosing the cause of felonies. Take a Buffalo-area group that is daft enough to believe that real violence is inspired by pretend firearms:

Members of F.A.T.H.E.R.S. organized a toy gun trade on Labor Day to encourage kids to give up their toy weapons.

Kids were able to trade in their toy guns for a free slice of pizza, school supplies, and a non-violent toy. Participants were also eligible for a bike giveaway.

That bike would enable a quick getaway after a stabbing. But participants shouldn’t harm anyone with anything but a firearm after first amusing themselves with a toy, as that would really embarrass the organizers.

What do they stand for? Literally? Well, F.A.T.H.E.R.S. is an abbreviation for “Fathers Armed Together to Help, Educate, Restore, and Save,” which proves that any group whose acronym includes the same word as the acronym itself is not credible. The cleverness of their name and ideas is identical.

Even misguided souls who believe billionaire corporate jet owners destroy the middle class for fun and profit would think that the toy gun trade served as a parody of liberalism. It should go without saying that they’re pursuing a wholly wrong approach based upon surmising that kids engaging in recreation will lead to corpses clogging the sidewalks. In reality, most whippersnappers aren’t nearly as feckless as the crummy parents who double as F.A T.H.E.R.S.

Boys have fun pretending to shoot. That’s not going to lead to them becoming grownups who are too stupid to know the difference between childhood fun and actual bloodshed.

That said, living under the guardianship of parents who think that brats are really this impressionable may cause enough trauma to turn them into an insufferable wusses as adults. Or, they’ll lash out thanks to pent-up rage caused by being forced to use non-violent toys obtained at ridiculous trade-ins. Catharsis is underrated at any age.

Kids should disregard the injurious lessons offered by our politicians, too. All this sanctimonious crusading against imaginary marksmanship didn’t stop, say, the mayor from getting to watch a shooting live on camera. But perhaps the perpetrator liked simulating combat as a child. It’s not to tell cops how to do their jobs, but detectives should focus on that as a motive.

Playtime gun control is an extension of a philosophy that blames utensils for crimes. The imitation handgun traders are scared of items instead of thugs, as the latter are of course angels who have been conditioned to murder by a toy-peddling giraffe. Otherwise, we’d have to hold people accountable for their actions, which would be as reactionary as pointing out that the stimulus increased unemployment.

Community-organizing loudmouths will display puzzlement when their latest preposterous initiative fails to reduce the murder rate. That won’t deter them from their next plan, which undoubtedly involves taking away boys’ root beer and Hot Wheels to prevent future instances of drunken driving.

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