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Smoked at the Border

by on November 30, 2011

Border agents protected us. They’d like the story to end there. But it is my unfortunate duty to continue and report that what they protected us from were objects that might someday have come into contact with a substance that even people who wear D.A.R.E. shirts un-ironically might concede won’t harm you. They may need a few surreptitious sips of Miller Lite first, but they’ll eventually blab the concession.

No, the citizenship-askers didn’t interdict an attempted smuggling of any actual drugs. Still, your federal servants are proud of their weed-themed appliance bust. You wouldn’t want pot pipes getting in the wrong hands, namely those of harmless dopes who don’t know how to giggle without psychoactive assistance:

U.S. Customs and Border Protection announced Monday that more than 16,000 marijuana pipes and other drug paraphernalia were seized at the Peace Bridge earlier this month.

Officers intercepted the 147 boxes on November 5th. The shipment originated in China, allegedly as glass vases and pipe accessories. Its destination was New York City.

Poor Gothamites will have to resort to building their own consumption facilitation devices out of pop cans, pineapples, and the like. But at least they weren’t exposed to the shoddy craftsmanship that’s a defining characteristic of Chinese products. Who would buy a bong at Walmart? Regardless, whoever was arrested for not possessing pot is in big trouble:

Federal charges are pending. The seized items will be destroyed after the investigation is complete.

People who can’t wait for that new Harold and Kumar feature just started weeping en masse. Stoners may still have their hopes up that the pipes will remain intact based upon their personal attitudes toward responsibility. But border agents by contrast typically possess the sort of personalities that keep them from spacing about their assigned tasks.

Efficient or not, authorities targeted the most innocuous of illegal drugs. Sure, people who drive or operate heavy machinery while high deserve to be fed to meth-taking jackals. But potheads are largely inoffensive as long as they remain inside; based upon their usual motivation level, that’s not a concern.

It’s unfortunate that our guardians don’t have better things to do. Perhaps a brainstorm is in order at the offices by the tollbooths. They could focus on, oh, stopping bad people from sneaking across, not a most goofy drug-related product.

Worst, they didn’t even get cannabis itself. Instead, they only nabbed what Terrapin Station ads euphemistically refer to as “smoking accessories.” The gentle description is apt for people pursuing a consumption-based hobby that harms society about as much as playing Wii, although the two might very well go together. Do tokers find virtual bowling amusing?

Of course, being pro-legalization is different from being pro-legalized user. Partakers tend to be insufferably self-righteous about hemp’s alleged ample benefits, which is another reason to choose booze as a vice instead.

Most Joe Friday types who favor vigorous drug laws are well-intentioned. And the pot trade attracts criminal elements regardless of if one agrees with the drug’s legal status.

But adults have the right to do stupid things to themselves, including using paraphernalia that the border enforcement psychics just knew were going to be used to smoke something naughty. It’s like blaming diet failure on a fork.

Next, they’ll hopefully catch the next-highest level of dangerous offenders, namely people who found the duty-free shop too enticing and exceeded their allotment. Or they could get those bastards who dare to bring citrus fruit to a different country.

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