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Raising Laughs

by on July 17, 2012

If you suck at your job, you may as well ask for more money. Why not? It’s not that audacious of a request unless you’ve been fired, and maybe the same gullible boss you’ve suckered into paying you might be willing to cough up more.

Sanctimonious do-gooders can’t stop whining about the yawning gap between rich and poor. And yet they can’t be bothered to be concerned about the people in America who least deserve raises, namely the delusional twits who directly work for you and yet never represent your interests:

For the past 14 years, Dan Burling has been a state assemblyman from Warsaw.

He’s chosen not to run for re-election.

And that gave him the freedom last month in his farewell remarks to his colleagues to speak about something taboo these days in Albany – pay raises for legislators.

Stay brave, Dan! Finally, he’s backed a cause which will gather bipartisan support. Perhaps his proposal will be helped by saying the stupidest thing ever:

“Certainly the people of New York state are well served, and I will be back (after election day) to vote for your pay raise,” said Burling to an ovation on the floor of the Assembly.

What he said before the comma is almost as insane as what followed. The only people who think the Assembly does well are members of same woeful body. But that shouldn’t stop them from congratulating themselves for dropping an anvil on this brittle state. Such utter obliviousness at least explains possessing the goddamn nerve to applaud their own suggested pay raise despite their disgraceful track record:

Scott Brown: “Why do you think you got a standing ovation?”

Assemblyman Dan Burling: “Well because I actually stood up and said what a lot of people were thinking.”

If you think the economy sucks, learning how much the prototypical bums in Albany make will exacerbate your rotten mood:

State lawmakers already have the third highest base salary in the country at $79,500 a year.

And most make more than that thanks to various appointments by their leaders.

Burling for instance gets an extra $15,000 a year as Deputy Majority Whip bringing his actual salary to $94,500 a year.

Senator Tim Kennedy gets an extra $9,000 as the ranking minority member on the Agricultural Committee

And Senator George Maziarz gets an extra $34,000 a year as the number three person in the senate.

Thank heavens that they’re getting bonuses for doing what should be part of their jobs: starting off with just under eighty grand per year might lead to their children never getting ice cream. On a personal note, I went to high school with Tim Kennedy, and I wouldn’t pay him five dollars per week to water my houseplants while I was on vacation. His laughably abysmal record as a politician matches my impression formed during grades nine through 12.

As for the whole lot, we’re already paying them a ridiculous amount, proving that a high rate of compensation doesn’t attract talent:

Burling believes that by raising legislators pay, you’ll attract better caliber people to run for the senate and assembly.

Scott Brown: “Isn’t $90,000 or $95,000 or $100,000 a year pretty good pay for legislators?”

Assemblyman Dan Burling: “I think if you look at the comparison for pay in my district where the average salary is maybe $45,000 or $50,000 a year that does sound like a lot of money, but mind you we’re running a $140 billion industry here in New York state and to get qualified people to the legislature, who are not lawyers and not professional politicians I think they have to be compensated fairly.”

The only thing they’re running is this state into the ground. Government once again gets in the way, as Burling and his doofus compatriots prove constantly. They’re greatest accomplishment has been imposing a radical new definition of marriage in defiance of history, tradition, and the logic of biology. But now they’re totally going to be in charge of the economy and fix it, you guys.

As for a shrewder approach, cut every budget in Albany in preparation for cutting it again, starting with the salaries granted to the masterminds of financial turmoil. Our politicians spend fantastically depressing amounts expanding every entitlement while screwing the change out of everyone trying to earn a freaking living.

They deserve far less for hollowing out the state, perhaps to be classified as interns. Short of making them work for college credit, this is the best time for slashing their absurdly high compensation, although there’s never a bad time. We should in fact knock them down the pay scale.

Cut their hours, too: New York is one of only a handful states with a full-time legislature, but we shouldn’t copy Texas until they explain what dark wizardry enables all the jobs move from here to there.

Still, the Empire State’s elected dopes in suits would be able to inflict less damage if they were forced to cut back hours. Saving on their remarkably ill-deserved salaries would be only the first delightful benefit.

Watching these nitwits trying to find another part-time job will almost be worth the havoc they’ve caused. The experience section of their applications will be barren, and they would last about five minutes in any interview with a sensible hiring manager. Raise a middle finger to their raise suggestion, as New York’s Assembly shows why the minimum wage is too high.

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