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The Cuomo Dossier

by on January 30, 2013

Non-cooking television chef Sandra Lee’s common-law mister and second-generation governor Andrew Cuomo thinks New York is becoming the progressive capital of the nation. The problem is that he meant it as a good thing.

This state will never, ever stop spending more annually, and the question is whether we’re even going to bother to care that the real morality police are the ones imposing leftist values as quickly as they vacuum earned money. Cuomo wants to roger America the way he has the state, which makes now a good moment to point out that accomplishments aren’t necessarily achievements.

Most recently, prominently, and egregiously, Cuomo the Younger has proclaimed that guns are the villains, not villains. Blaming an indifferent object proves advantageous to felons, which is to say those who actually harm others and not those virtuous armed citizens who are now breaking the law by virtue of keeping medium-sized magazines in gun safes.

Such perverse conditions are to be expected from an executive who thinks people admire the passion involved in raising one’s voice about not needing 10 bullets to kill a deer. Sure, arbitrary criminalization won’t make us safer, but it least he made a mockery of the lawmaking process. Votes must be conducted faster: those gun nuts almost had time to read the bill.

Cuomo’s ability to turn a eulogy into a lecture is particularly shameless considering the number of inconvenient children murdered daily. But there isn’t enough purity for his ghastly taste. The governor sending out feelers to see if he can get away with making it legal to hunt viable children within a womb would be horrifying under any conditions; it takes someone shameless enough to have exploited Newtown to favor a demented vision of societal betterment through abortion at will.

Cuomo was clearly too busy with law school to have someone explain anatomy to him, which is also why he decided anyone could marry anyone else in his domain. The mushy invocations by gay marriage advocates about the love felt by gay couples assume the unavailability of intramural marriage constituted a denial of mutual feelings between any pair of individuals.

People have a full range of civil rights and ability to sign contracts even if they can’t marry someone who can share the same gym locker. It wasn’t Cuomo’s right to unilaterally redefine a ceremony which has served mankind since we started writing down things, but tradition and dictionaries weren’t going to stop him any more than the Bill of Rights kept him from making an eight-round capacity illegal.

While he’s stomping through Albany, voters should be aware that Cuomo has already failed in Washington. As Bill Clinton’s Housing and Urban Development secretary, he didn’t help urban development or housing. By cunningly encouraging loans to people who couldn’t afford to pay them back, he stealthily caused as much damage to the mortgage market as anyone with the possible exception of the similarly cuddly Barney Frank.

It’s a testament to Cuomo’s utter lack of charisma that his national-level pernicious behavior remains obscure. His best hope for advancement is to remain personally forgettable.

His impulse to impose doesn’t rise to fascism unless one actually knows what the word means. Some say there’s no need for name calling. On the other hand, Benito Junior is unsuitable for the presidency. Of course, he’s unsuitable for the job he has, but his calculating nature and willingness to exploit the misguided belief that utopia lies in liberal policy goals have enabled him claw ahead.

With his baffling advances in mind, Cuomo next seeks to make America more like New York, as everyone should aspire to be as miserable as we are. The nation can hope Andrew will dither like daddy until time makes the decision to not run for him. But the son is more cunning, not to mention drunk on the spinal fluid of compliant legislators.

If he’s already scheming to run for president, he’d be the first opportunist looking to impose a screwed-up vision of paradise since the incumbent. The rest of the country should be aware of how deep the rot is in the Empire State’s foundation. But the termites are feasting everywhere: Barack Obama’s communal economics and human nature-defying social beliefs are what Cuomo thinks of as a good start.

His potential for promotion would say more about the country than him, although there’s not much nice to say about the latter. At least he’s breaking the stereotype that Italians are stuck choosing between making pizzas and joining the mob, although the family’s attempt to create the new stereotype of decency-chomping governors isn’t an improvement.

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