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Squirreled Away

by on February 19, 2013

Oh, no: I missed the Squirrel Slam. I felt better when I discovered there was no actual slamming but worse when I learned contestants got to shoot the little furry monsters. I’m left just giving the semi-classy weasels dirty looks in the park.

Eh, let the kids have their fun. Young armed citizens get to shoot even filthier beasts, a contest which gives self-important adults a childish attitude. Protein-deprived outrage specialists will even defend park rodents against the species they won’t admit is at the food chain’s pinnacle:

A controversial squirrel hunting fundraiser is being conducted today in the Orleans County Village of Holley.

The “7th Annual Hazzard County Squirrel Slam” has been targeted by activists in recent weeks that have flooded local leaders with e-mails, phone calls, and letters.

None of those things will rid us of the furry rascals. Try guns instead. Wait: they want to protect the little disease-ridden bastards, and not the human ones, either? The excessive equality brigade could at least aim higher and protect bigger nuisances like deer. For now, they’ll take aim at lucky kids who are learning the valuable service of varmint termination:

“People were just outraged and in disbelief that a fire department could have such a disgusting scheme as a fundraiser that draws in children and rewards them for killing,” Edita Birnkrant the New York Director of Friends of Animals said.

OMG, children are killing (wild animal pests)! It’s best to take parenting advice from a group with a site which features both adorable squirrel pictures and vegan-themed t-shirts. As for our present barbaric times, we’re teaching kids to play by the rules while they send irritating little furry twerps to Squirrel Hell:

The event abides by all New York State hunting rules and regulations; that includes children as young as 12 with a valid junior hunting license. Participants enter up to five squirrels for weighing at the end of the day on Saturday and prizes are given out based on that weight. Prizes include some guns, which is another source of controversy for some.

Weighing dead squirrels is either the worst or most awesome task ever. And gun prizes, woo! The Fun Police naturally recoils:

“There’s no place in a civilized society anymore to have these kinds of contests anymore and it makes it especially disgusting that they’re drawing children in,” Birnkrant said.

Whippersnappers are learning to exercise their rights, and we end up with fewer rats in trees. As expected, the same curious subjects find such awesomeness disgusting. I’d wager the squirrel guardians are the sort of tolerant parents who let their children push shopping carts in supermarkets into patrons who shouldn’t expect apologies. It’s time to pass a law against an acceptable activity that teaches unacceptable lessons like discipline and about which species is in charge:

In fact, Friends for Animals is among those groups now lobbying some New York State lawmakers to pass a ban on all competitive hunting events.

The two favorite things for creature-hugging concern fascists to hate are guns and hunting, so they may as well attempt to use politicians to take away the right to both. Competition is also icky, what with all the ruthlessness and adrenaline, and this event is even worse than that football with its unethical pigskin.

We should cheer on brats who rid the world of bushy-tailed rats. If you see a kid with a necklace that uses said tails as charms, ask the guardian if you may reward the little marksman with an ice cream cone.

Getting rid of nature’s twitchiest freaks is the sort of contest we need. Kids learn a skill that allows them to acquire the most important ingredient for Brunswick stew, not to mention that they discover early in life how to irritate the right people. “Squirrel!” has long been established as the standard coded exclamation for a distraction, and here’s hoping that in this case it just helped shooters find new prey.

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