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The Old College Don’t Try

by on June 25, 2013

College kids getting wound up is a huge problem. For them. Maybe, if attempting to cram too much backfires and affects GPAs. But popping pills to enable notes-reviewing sessions that last until people with jobs wake up is hardly the concern of the Senate. Textbooks might not mention that the federal government has more pressing matters to face, but only because it seems too obvious to say.

Pushy counselors think it’s their job to bring you down. The Mister Mackey of the Senate is always on call to run in front of a camera to express how concerned he is about rushing to ban whatever hyped trend his staff read about the day before. The well-rounded politician doesn’t want to spend all his time erasing our border. But he could use a different hobby. At least he may alienate new voters before they get hooked on the narcotics he peddles:

Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) is asking New York colleges and universities to place tougher standards that would make it hard for students to abuse stimulants like Adderall.

Schumer during a Sunday afternoon press conference said between 15 and 35 percent of college students frequently use Adderall to stay up to study. He said students shouldn’t’ be able to get amphetamine-based drugs like Adderall without a legitimate diagnosis and prescription.

Don’t get wrapped up in the Adderall madness. Instead, take medical advice from a law school grad:

The senator said there are several side effects when used with a doctor’s supervision, including depression and anxiety.

“When used properly to treat a legitimately diagnosed attention disorder, drugs like Adderall and Ritalin can help students focus and learn, but all too often these cases are the minority on college campuses.

Chuck Nasty is so sure about how many college students abuse the drugs in question that he doesn’t even need statistics to back it up. That lack of research would get him about a C- on any undergraduate paper.

He does inadvertently bring up the serious issue of how many doctors diagnose kids as having a disorder when they’re merely energetic, artistic, or irreverent. The prospect of creating a generation of drones by drugging away human aspects is a serious issue unless we want art to disappear. Plus, many twitchy people don’t need a prescription as much as they need to learn how to settle down. As for far less pressing usage, we must fear that college kids are medicating themselves not to make Yo Gabba Gabba more entertaining but so they can review their notes again:

Schumer wants university officials to make it harder for the drugs to get into the hands of students who abuse them and urged colleges and universities not to prescribe Adderall and similar drugs on campus.

Thankfully for Schumer, enough New York voters will never tire of his publicity-seeking oppressive shtick. But he could always fall back on a career as a resident adviser, although students might stop turning to him for advice once they realize what a narc he is:

“That’s sort of academic doping,” said Schumer. “There are better ways to pull an all-nighter and stay up. There’s coffee, there’s things like NoDoz.”

Well, there are those better ways for now. Schumer is one slow news cycle away from calling for a crackdown on Vivarin. After all, he already took away Four Loko like the anti-party fascistic schoolmarm that he is. He’s decided it’s his job to keep an eye on what goes in your mouth.

According to reactionaries, the task of colleges is to educate those matriculating. But the senior senator would rather they focus on controlling how young adults stimulate themselves. Try to remember the innocent days when they merely indoctrinated undergrads into politically correct thinking:

Schumer said it must be on the colleges to crack down on this rampant drug abuse. He has urged colleges to implement new standard for diagnosing and monitoring students seeking Adderall or other stimulants.

“For somebody to call up and say ‘well, my doctor prescribed it at home, send me pills, here’s the prescription number…’ that’s not good enough,” said Schumer. “If a student gets 100 or 200 Adderall pills, even if they are legitimately entitled, they may lend a bunch to their friends.”

Your government hopes you’re enjoying another promising preview of the Obamacare era where your medical business is a legislator’s problem. Remember as someone else hands over your phone logs that there’s no reason to fear the government pressuring a school to collect records:

He said campus health centers should do a full workup and gather a history. If they are unable to, Schumer said school health centers should not be diagnosing or prescribing the ADHD drugs at all.

Thank you to everyone who backed a senator who’s so smart that he didn’t even need to go to medical school to be a doctor. All you need to learn what drugs do is to peruse D.A.R.E. pamphlets:

He said the amphetamine-based drugs have a number of side effects, including depression, anxiety and even psychosis.

I feel all those things after a politician feels he’s entitled to meddle in the lives of citizens just because a majority of them who vote picked him. No matter the side effects, they beat what happens when the government decides to concern troll you about what you swallow.

If kids pick up anything from the four or seven years they spend on campus, it should be the value of learning from experience. All adults make bad decisions; the successful ones are merely those who learn from them. Those who retain enough restraint to make slightly fewer errors based upon learned consequences will graduate having truly learned. Ingesting what they wish and weighing the resulting benefits versus the consequences teaches more than Earth science lectures.

Hopefully, students discover that they don’t want to get hysterical about non-issues when they grow up. The perpetually hyperactive Schumer refuses to avoid indiscretion. The difference between him and college kids is they have the excuse of youthful exuberance. Someone needs to be medicated.

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