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Sparkle On

by on July 2, 2013

Maintaining the sparklers ban would reaffirm New York’s status as the nation’s wussiest state. It’s typical that a jurisdiction with a notoriously high percentage of Schumer-hugging pinkos would not be interested in sufficiently celebrating freedom. Real patriots seek to commemorate America’s birthday by creating craters in it. Texas would give us a wedgie.

Forget Roman candles and ladyfingers: Empire State residents still can’t legally light the most effeminate form of fireworks imaginable. Buy ash snakes now before they’re illicit, too. Two control freaks argue about just how little fun you should be able to have within a bailiwick of a country that was once dedicated to establishing your own level of acceptable risk and living however the hell you please:

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is pressuring Gov. Andrew Cuomo to put a stop to a state lawmaker’s move to legalize the sale of sparklers outside city limits.

One could say they bring up legitimate concerns that something innocent could be used in for nefarious purposes. Or one could more accurately say that they should give us a damn break. It’s egregious to use terrorism as an excuse to control people who want to have the mildest form of summer fun conceivable. But terrorists could ruin our amusing sparkly time, which is why we must also eliminate flint stockpiles:

Terrorists could use the sparklers — one of the few Fourth of July fireworks products that are believed safe for use by children — to ignite a bomb, City Hall officials suggested, The New York Post reported.

Terrorists are ready to attack us; they are just waiting for sparklers to be legalized. The state might end the full restriction on an ignited stick that a supervised kindergartener can hold, and Benito Bloomberg thinks that’s too much liberty:

Lawmakers passed a bill last week that would allow sparklers to be sold in certain areas of the state, excluding the five boroughs within the Big Apple under Mr. Bloomberg’s jurisdiction where they’re already banned, The Post reported. But Mr. Bloomberg isn’t happy with the bill and wants Mr. Cuomo to veto it.

“While this bill excludes New York City, legalizing these devices everywhere else in the state would, as a practical matter, have the same effect in the five boroughs,” said the mayor’s state legislative director, Joseph Garba, in The Post. “A recent attempt to harm innocent lives provides a frightening example of how legally purchased … fireworks can cause dramatic harm and even kill.”

Count on a Bloomberg flunky to be not at all shamelessly histrionic. Idiots can harm themselves, so nobody can have a blast. The joyless totalitarian uses the same excuse he does for demanding more gun control, namely that outsiders use dangerous implements from places with laxer laws. As to why same more salvo-tolerant states don’t have massive problems with the smallest-scale explosives being used in planned attacks, shut up.

Puritan progressives think legal fireworks and not the evil-minded are our scourge. But they should hate that notorious health care critic who turned to a career as a bomber because he was upset at the law or something:

He referred to the failed 2010 bombing attempt at Times Square, when Faisal Shahzad legally purchased an M-88 out of state and then tried to use it to ignite his bomb.

“Shahzad purchased fireworks at a Pennsylvania chain store, transported the fireworks to Connecticut and created a bomb-like device that he transported into New York City with the intent of killing and causing havoc in a busy tourist area,” Mr. Gerba said, The Post reported.

Or, he could have bought ingredients at a Duane Reade to make a bomb based on easily-available instructions. That’s unless there are no Anarchist Cookbook-type sites on the web. If there are, just shutter the internet.

In the meantime, human demons willing to murder as many innocents as possible are not going to be stopped by having some shopping list items banished from legal acquisition. Not to scare everyone, but our enemies can already acquire fireworks and would be able to do so even if they were illegal in every state. So, focus on stopping bad people, not their tools. Besides, you could still only buy puny diversions during two small sales windows:

The bill weaving through New York’s legislature would only legalize the sale of sparklers and toy caps, from June 1 to July 5 and from Dec. 26 to Jan. 2, The Post reported.

You can’t get fricking caps, either? The official state singing voice is castrato. But safety trumps all, which is why we must ban lighters on account of how they can ignite fuses. Next, we’ll outlaw pens, as they could be used to write instructions for terror attacks. Such an interdiction is as reasonable as rendering toy guns with the capability to generate a fun pop and smoke burst with a trigger pull lame.

It’s un-American to not be able to ignite things that provide a pleasing flash and bang. That’s different from something being un-New Yorkian, as the onerously prohibitory state will take away any physical item that could conceivably ever cause harm. But there’s nothing more dangerous than politicians taking away options with lame justifications about protecting your wretched hide.

Meanwhile, good luck finding a portion of New York State which on July 4 doesn’t resemble downtown Damascus. Whether I’ve been living in the suburbs or ultra-urban areas, I’ve spent every July 4th in this state ducking with ears covered. Legal fireworks could be monitored, but we instead must cope with a lawless imitation of conflict. Word of the prohibition apparently gets drowned out every year by a cacophony of bottle rockets.

If politicians think they’re serving as guardians by keeping every flame-shooting novelty down to sparklers banned, they’re as oppressive as they are incompetent. The opportunity to celebrate the Declaration of Independence by being rebellious doesn’t justify the comically irritating hassle.

Cross-posted at Conservative Commune.

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